Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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