Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
