am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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