the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
