I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
