mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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