Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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