Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
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Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
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Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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