you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
