She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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