Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.