my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
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i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Fuck now we have to have sex
In a bet, need to win
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
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He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...