I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
