just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
