anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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