i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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