You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
