Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
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The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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