she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Actions speak louder than pants.
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I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
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Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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