I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
