Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
