I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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