hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
