why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
