maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
