woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
