Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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