Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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