I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
