I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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