Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I cannot find my penis.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
