Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we made out on top of his cat.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
