i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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