I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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