The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
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Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
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Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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