Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
