Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm passing your future prison.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
