I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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