The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
