8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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