Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
