apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
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I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
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There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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