We named our party play list daddy issues
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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