i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
