It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I checked into jail on foursquare
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
