she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
She told me I should be a condom model.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
