I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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