I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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