Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
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The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Someone signed my nipple.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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