Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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