It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
