so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
