Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
