Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
