Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
