well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
