ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
