i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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