Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
