and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
