I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
